What do the experts say? I went to Parenting.com, for a promising instruction in "Dealing with Defiance":
1. Remove her
"This is the gold standard of defiance busting. When the going gets out of control, simply swoop in and physically leave the store, take her out of the sandbox, end the playdate, and head home. In order for this to work, there must be no hesitation on your part. "Don't do any cajoling, begging, or convincing," says Valerie Hedrick, a Concord, California, mom of three. "Pick her up and leave. Your child's banking on her outrageous behavior to score some points in the form of an emotional reaction from you. If there isn't one, then she gets no payoff." Just say in very clear language why you're taking action ("You didn't stop throwing sand when I told you to, so now I'm taking you out of the sandbox.") This is bottom-line, no-nonsense discipline, and it makes the most sense when used with obviously egregious behaviors.
Keeping your cool is as important as consistency. "March out calmly, with an air of command," says Jennifer Ingle, a mom of two, in Conover, North Carolina. "This lets spectators know you have the situation in hand. It's much better than sputtering apologies." This attitude isn't lost on the child, who's also noting that you're the one in control. Removing her from any "audience" may quell further defiance as well.
Yes.... this one is a bit harder. Unless, of course, keeping my cool is interpreted as foaming at the mouth from frustration and wandering aimlessly around the house, looking for divine intervention...Maybe?Let's move on, shall we?
2. Expand the consequences
The lesson that you don't forget bad behavior can pack a wallop. And having a way to punish that behavior without raining on a larger group's parade can come in handy. A mom of eight in Alaska has lots of experience with discipline, but sometimes even she has to get creative. Once, when her son was acting up at a party, she told him he'd have to miss the next party he was invited to. But first she took a photo of him in mid-naughtiness. Then, two weeks later when he was asked to another party, she brought out the picture and reminded him of why he couldn't go. This made it immediate to a child who might otherwise have relegated the episode to long-ago history. At the next birthday party he attended, he was on his best behavior. "These things happen," she says, "but mostly it happens only once or twice per child because I make sure — and they know — that they'll face the consequences later."
Okay, never done this, but I think I could give this a shot. In all fairness, it would be a useful counter to the "no, I wasn't", "no, I didn't" rebuttal that Vasco uses 10 minutes following a spectacular episode of..."naughtiness"... Will try and report back. Stay tuned.
To lighten the mood, courtesy of J: "I AM being careful. This is not dangerous, mom!!"
3 comments:
Or maybe the new 2. I've had a lot of friends tell me three was much harder than two.
You should always post the pictures of them being bad -- then when they are older we can all embarrass them by telling stories of when they walked along the back of the couch, etc.
By the way, my sister and I use to do that all the time. We would pretend the couch was a boat and the back was the upper deck.
I have to second Jessica - for both our boys 3 was much more terrible than 2. 5 ain't so fabulous either. James at 7 is pretty good so I don't think there is an odd year correlation.
Hang in there! I love the idea of taking a picture of the naughtiness. Wish I'd thought of that during Eli's tantrum yesterday (yes...tantrum at age 5)
Thanks, ladies-
Today we tried over-the-top super positive reinforcement for every single little thing they did right, and we were somewhat successful, I think: it has been a relatively tantrum-free day...
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